Look, Ma, we made the newspaper!

We were excited to open up the Minneapolis Star Tribune yesterday and see this nice little writeup about Old Tom Foolery...

Thanks, Neal St. Anthony, for giving the little guy a little ink! You can purchase the winning card (and lots of non-winning cards, too) right here.

Once...twice...three times a winner.

We're shocked and awed to have won three LOUIE Awards at this year's gala in NYC, including one for the "Most Humorous" card in the world. (We shite you not.)

Here are the lucky winners. For overall "Most Humorous Card," the LOUIE went to...

For "Humorous Friendship/Encouragement Card (Above $3.50)," the LOUIE went to...

And, finally, for "Humorous Birthday Card (Above $3.50)," the LOUIE went to...

A huge thank you to the judges for accepting our lavish gifts and cash bribes. We couldn't have done it without you.

Aaaaaaand we're back!

Long time, no post here on the Old Tom Bloggery. Our apologies to our moms and the other three people who check this site regularly. We blame our hiatus on four key factors: 1) getting ready for the National Stationery Show, 2) attending the National Stationery Show, 3) catching up after the National Stationery Show, and 4) the rain. Take it away, boys:



Happy Monday!

The 2012 National Stationery Show is upon us.

And we've finally got some new stuff to show for ourselves, including two brand-spankin' new card lines: The Marquee Collection...

and The Magnetic Poetry Collection...

In the words of every snowboarder ever, we're "totally stoked" to finally be releasing these little babies out into the world. They've been a long time comin'.

Let us know what you think. (Unless, of course, you hate them--in which case, keep your words to yourself, you stupid fart face.)

National Stationery Day!

We've been so busy gearing up for the National Stationery Show that we nearly missed today's exciting new holiday, National Stationery Day! The 2012 London Stationery Show launched today's event to promote beautiful stationery to consumers and press. We're in full support of this new celebration of the written word, and we agree that this is the perfect day to stock up on cards for your emergency stationery arsenal. You know what I'm talking about; Facebook tells you it's your cubicle-mate's birthday today, and you're leaving for work completely unprepared. Start buying cards that you like whenever you see them! Organize them in a box or folder so you're ready for any card-giving occasion. You can buy greeting card organizers ready-made or make your own. Sort cards with folder tabs for every celebration, be it "Happy Birthday," "Congrats on the Pregnancy," or "Oh Sorry, I Could Have Sworn You Were Pregnant."

via

My mom had a stationery arsenal when I was a kid, and it was awesome for last-minute card needs. I have fond memories of digging through the box and finding the right card for whoever's birthday it was. The best part was that we bought them all throughout the years, so each card brought back a memory of when it was purchased. This also reminds me that I need to pick out a Mother's Day card...

Buy it here, folks.

The next great Lifetime Original Movie?

For those of you who may have missed it, last week we posted about a ridiculous-but-real crime report ripped from the headlines of our local paper. The crime: a guy pretending to be in a rock band walked into a bar and lured some gullible idiot back to his house, where he proceeded to rob the idiot after he passed out.

Well, one of our freakishly talented readers known only as "Anonymous" proceeded to put together an entire cast for the re-enactment of said crime report, starring only C-list celebrities from the '80s and '90s.

Stay with me here.

After seeing this masked reader's genius casting picks, it dawned on us Old Tom Fools that this re-enactment would actually make one helluva good Lifetime Original Movie.

As you probably know, the Lifetime Original Movie series is a storied collection of some of the most trashtastic, captivating TV movies ever made. Just look at this lineup:

"A Woman Scorned: The Betty Broderick Story" starring Meredith Baxter
"Night Sins" starring Valerie Bertinelli
"Heartbreakers" starring Jennifer Love Hewitt
"Drew Peterson: Untouchable" starring Rob Lowe

Now take a look at this fake IMDB entry for our proposed made-for-TV-movie and tell me this: How could Lifetime NOT make this movie?

Imagine it: David Faustino (Bud Bundy from "Married with Children") as Dale the Con Man. Marc Price (Skippy from "Family Ties") as Seth the Naive Victim. Annie Potts (Mary Jo Shively from "Designing Women") as Donna the Unsympathetic Mother. Bryan Brown (Tom Cruise's Australian bartender mentor in "Cocktail") as Nic the Mentor. Directed by none other than the legendary Scott Baio.

Admit it, these people were born for this TV movie.

I smell Emmy. Who's with me?

Crime Time: Re-cycling

Hey burglar, you're doing it wrong:

The robber also replaced her garage door opener with a different one.

Crime Time: Can't Fight the Seether

We don't think criminals are funny. We don't think the victims of misconduct and wrongdoings had it coming. We also don't get a lot of heinous crime here in our neighborhood, and for that, we are thankful. But as the SW Minneapolis Journal Crime Reports would suggest, our criminals are kinda stupid, and they're making us look bad. Not to say the guy in this crime report isn't someone we want to party with, because he is, and we do. We just won't fall asleep with our wallets open while he's chilling in our house.

The lesson here is, "Always ask your contacts if you can use them as a reference BEFORE leaving their numbers with a man that wants to have you arrested." In our best attempt to perform a public service to you all, we will now be posting these crime reports as a regular feature on the OTF blog. It's really an injustice to keep all of this stupidity to ourselves. Stay tuned for more criminals criming more crimes, and remember, kids... stay safe, and stay smart.

Arrested Drunk Guy Sings Bohemian Rhapsody

Almost as good as Wayne and Garth: Via David Doody.

Lauren's (almost) Valentine's Day present from me.

Behold, the butt cleavage dress.

This 8th Wonder of the World sure knows how to show off a woman's sexiest ass-ets. Am I right?! ZING!

Sadly, the dress sold before I was able to nab it for Lauren's butt cheeks. Maybe next year.

Via Laughing Squid.

Um, yeah.

Anyone who wears this sweater is awesome in our book. More here.

Write On!

January 23 is National Handwriting Day (not to be confused with National Letter Writing Week, Jan 8-14). We can think of no better day for you to practice your penmanship. Take it from our new Words of Wisdom poster series:

How to Write.

Before you can start practicing how to write your Ps and Qs, you need to learn how to hold a writing utensil. According to this poster, apparently you're supposed to hold a pen like a well-educated adult, not some graceless monkey who may use the pen to inadvertently jab himself in the eyeballs.

Some handy tips to remember:

     -Hold the pen firmly, but not so tightly as to cramp the fingers.

     -Avoid the finger movement. It is not practical.

     -The thoughtful student in penmanship, as in other studies, will win.

And for the love of all that's holy, "Keep both feet on the floor."

Italics mean the poster is serious.

Now that you have learned how to hold a pen, what are you going to do with it? Conduct an orchestra? Stick it in your ear? Eat soup with it?

Why not write someone a letter? Or do your taxes? Or make a list of all the reasons you can't eat soup with a pen? According to this here poster, good penmanship doesn't come naturally, so you'd better study up on how to ensure that your ledger is legible:

How to Improve Your Penmanship in Letter Writing.

Here are a few easy tips:

     -Write plainly and neatly as possible, rapidly if you can, slowly if you must.

     -Neatness, elegance, and correctness are all equally important as mere legibility.

     -Making a wavy line to represent a word is an injury to the writer and is vexatious, unsatisfactory, and disrespectful to the reader.

     -Vexatious: adjective; causing or tending to cause annoyance, frustration, or worry
 
     -You're welcome.

Now that you're able to hold a pen and form words out of letters on a piece of paper, the possibilities are endless! You could apply for a job, practice appropriate business conduct, or buy a horse.

Hey, these posters didn't write themselves.

Whatever you choose to do with your new skills, always remember, keep those feet planted, buddy.