Well, one of our freakishly talented readers known only as "Anonymous" proceeded to put together an entire cast for the re-enactment of said crime report, starring only C-list celebrities from the '80s and '90s.
Stay with me here.
After seeing this masked reader's genius casting picks, it dawned on us Old Tom Fools that this re-enactment would actually make one helluva good Lifetime Original Movie.
As you probably know, the Lifetime Original Movie series is a storied collection of some of the most trashtastic, captivating TV movies ever made. Just look at this lineup:
"A Woman Scorned: The Betty Broderick Story" starring Meredith Baxter
"Night Sins" starring Valerie Bertinelli
"Heartbreakers" starring Jennifer Love Hewitt
"Drew Peterson: Untouchable" starring Rob Lowe
Now take a look at this fake IMDB entry for our proposed made-for-TV-movie and tell me this: How could Lifetime NOT make this movie?
Imagine it: David Faustino (Bud Bundy from "Married with Children") as Dale the Con Man. Marc Price (Skippy from "Family Ties") as Seth the Naive Victim. Annie Potts (Mary Jo Shively from "Designing Women") as Donna the Unsympathetic Mother. Bryan Brown (Tom Cruise's Australian bartender mentor in "Cocktail") as Nic the Mentor. Directed by none other than the legendary Scott Baio.
Admit it, these people were born for this TV movie.
I smell Emmy. Who's with me?